Rest and Dreams

 I just returned from the most amazing dream fulfilling vacation! I can’t even begin to put into words just how incredibly blessed and thankful I am to be able to say that. For this dream to now be reality.

 

My grandma has always wanted to go to Hawaii. For DECADES she has dreamt of this, but has always chosen to raise grandkids and help every single person, friend, family member, stranger, etc. that needed her time, her money, and attention. She chose service, love, compassion, and generosity over herself and her own desires countless times over countless times. So for my own over a decade of dreaming, I have wanted to take her to Hawaii. I have written this dream down, told many about it, and couldn’t begin to tell you how often I have prayed for and over it.

 

I really want to stop this story here and just tell you how good God is and let this be a praise shout out.

 

But God is even better!

 

See a few months ago I finally decided to pull the trigger on selling my house. I wanted to move out of the City and especially wanted to be geographically closer to my family and grandparents. THEN:

1.      1. Interest rates skyrocketed and I felt the impact of what that might mean for my purchasing power as now so much of my monthly budget for this move would now have to be interest instead of principal.

2.     2. The sewer lines under my house collapsed and seriously delayed the sale (and has eaten up most of the allotted time I have to move in with/stay with family while I look for a new house (which I can’t do until mine sells)). Not to mention the estimated $6k costs was NOT in the budget and I don’t know how to cover it.

3.     3. The estimate for the sewer lines were way off…like only half of what was needed to make the repair….so double the costs and time to fix the issue. Oh and did I mention that I recently used what emergency funds I had to replace the entire HVAC ($8k) system?? Less than 8 months prior??

4.     4. Then the thought was to potentially repair the roof while the sewer was being fixed…but insurance has some depreciation clause (that they forgot to mention even though I called them and specifically asked what is/or might be covered BEFORE I engaged a roofer) and are now only willing to cover less than 50% of their estimated costs ($6k)….

5.     5. Does anyone recall when I was unexpectedly without a job a little over a year ago and I spent a few weeks on unemployment until God brought me the incredible job I have now? Well the State contacted me and would like me to pay ALL of it back as they have now (over a year later) determined that I did not qualify. What is another almost $6k? I tried to appeal, it was denied and now I am working on an appeal of the appeal…..

ALL of this news hit in the very few weeks before I left for Hawaii. Oh and did I mention that I had already started moving out of my house so now I am physically living out of four separate locations. For several weeks now….

 

I so DEEPLY struggled with even going to Hawaii…..Everything was booked and paid for, so I was still going, but it just felt so impractical and highly irresponsible to take off and enjoy a break in the middle of such a giant mess. I felt like I had soooo much cleaning up to do and so much business to handle. Someone in this situation…so many situations…should NOT be jetting off on vacation and to HAWAII no less!

 

To summarize into one word the last four months: Disappointment!

I have felt disappointed and disappointing in EVERY SINGLE and I mean EVERY SINGLE area, place, space, situation, etc. of my life (mentioned above or not). To say I am constantly fighting a state of sad, is an understatement. I have overwhelmingly felt replaceable and resistible. Things that hurt me so deeply/so very sharply.  Even tonight as I drove home and knew I wanted to sit down and write this…even moments while I write this …. I cried over just how strongly I feel these things/this way…. even now.

And let me tell you this extremely heavy burden of deep belief that I have been utterly disappointing and this constant bombardment of disappointments have kept me in a place of extreme loneliness and feeling of isolation.

 

Regardless of my feelings I keep pressing into God, praying, and praising him. I keep thanking him for what he is doing and even asking him to help me with the doubt and bad feelings as they come. I keep my testimony of his goodness quick access and free flowing from my tongue.  

 

Now this isn’t going to be a story about how the 5 points above have been resolved. Nope they are all so very real and with no more of an answer than two weeks ago. …. (Though just scrolling back up to get the number of them and seeing that there are 5…is just confirmation that their answers are grace and favor! ;) Yes!)   

 

This is a story of my giving glory to God for how he never waivers from making our heart his top priority. He has so impressively come for mine. AGAIN!

Just before I left for Hawaii, I expressed to my boss how impractical and irresponsible this trip felt. She so incredibly encouraged me about how much I needed to take care of my mind just as much as the “things” in my life and that the timing was probably perfect and on purpose. Many others also encouraged me that this was a divine rest and interruption to the turmoil.

So, I made a commitment to do my best and embrace the rest. It was not easy and I was not even close to perfect at it, but I did my best.

I downloaded an audio book called “The Life You Long For” which is about living from a place of God’s rest. I started listening to it on the plane to Hawaii and WOW. BOOM. POW! I could not have needed something more! I am listening at a snail’s pace as every sentence is clearly God getting my attention and renewing his vows of love for me all over again! (I am probably going to have to repeat read this one at least three to five times…maybe more!)

What he is teaching and reminding me is that our hustle is what hinders us AND HIM with hurdles. Rest in God is what radiates us AND HIM forward and onto ALL that we need, desire, and are invited/called to.  

A child is someone who has little experience, ability, or resources to take care of their self and so MUST rely and trust on a parent to provide for, train and teach for, and many times completely take care of every single need and desire they have. Matthew 18:3 is Jesus’s answer that child like faith…a person with such…is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. Think about a child…they don’t hesitate or even think twice about playing with friends and laughing when dinner isn’t made or bills need to be paid. They are so dependant and their trust is so great that they move forward with full stamina into the joy set before them. In their play and rest everything they need and desired is handled and provided for them.

So fitting is my fascination with hurricanes, a reminder and example of the systems God creates. A hurricane has a completely calm/at rest center while relentless storm and chaos completely surround that place. Dreams can become reality and rest is proof of living out of God especially in the middle of chaos and in every circumstance.  

He is reminding and teaching me that my trip to Hawaii is only impractical in/to the world/world system…a place I wasn’t even designed for in the first place!!  Not fitting into such system might be my first clue that I am actually on the right path. ;)

I was even given a word (that I am trying desperately to cling to) that “I am blessed because I rise above” – to be even more transparent, I immediately reacted in my mind with …blessed how…with a bit of attitude…but quickly repented and returned to thanking God for the MANY ways I am already blessed and trying to reposition into a posture of expectancy for the continued blessings to come.

Then tonight at the I am Woman Woman’s Conference Pastor David referenced the story of the paralytic man who was “let down” through the roof to Jesus to receive healing (Luke 5:19). Maybe my feelings of being “let down”/disappointment are just the very process of getting closer to Jesus and everything I need!?!?  My faith is being noticed and I am about to get everything I am coming to him for and more!

Also P.S. if you read the story: Luke 5:17-26 you will see that Jesus attends to the heart of the matter before the natural/physical/practical of the matter. ;)

 

I believe there is so much he is just starting to unravel for me and some incredible romance he intends to unfold in my immediate future. I am excited (though completely aware of how much focus and attention it will require) to experience this in expectation of his goodness!