I Repent - A Roadmap

Sunday morning as I took more time before church to sit at the feet of Jesus and reflect on all of the mistakes I have recently made and all of the areas he has for me to grow in (some I already knew I desired…but falling short or making little progress…and some he is revealing new for me), He showed me so much.

 

Reflection of my mistakes and hopefully something to warn and/or encourage you:

I have been telling others myself and even god (outlining and confirming a successful battle plan for the enemy) what I can’t do (out of fear, out of weakness, out of exhaustion, out of disorientation) and what I am not strong enough to accomplish. I have been doing this constantly lately even in response to those trying to encourage me in my faith and snap me out of the fear, weakness, exhaustion, and disorientation. The people I love were telling me to slow down, to resist the nagging, even giving me scripture like 2 Timothy 1:7.

 

I was so far under water; trapped and ensnared; drowning – so far under water that I could not hear the voices of help around me. I could not see the way to go (or way to get back to being myself or to my firm foundation of faith). I certainly couldn’t identify the life preservers being sent to me.

 

How did I get to this place?

Disobedience and Slothfulness. (If I don’t own it right now; I can’t overcome it).

MONTHS ago, God told me to study the armor of God and warfare. I started fine; I made a plan of study. I spent a few hours doing this and prepping for it. I gathered resources. I created a timeline goal. I even watched several teachings/sermons, read the first chapter or two of a few books by authors I trusted, told others about what I was doing and asked for accountability, and spent several hours in the word and in meditation over what I was studying…..but I didn’t consistently keep going or keep a hunger about it…I did even circle back to it a couple times and read a bit more and shared what I was learning a few times with others. I did not stay faithful and diligent to it. It was partially obedient (disobedient) and slothful. There was even one specific book God kept bringing up for me to read and I just “didn’t get around to it”….then when I read the first chapter a few days ago after repentance and a commitment to be obedient now….it literally outlined the importance of daily renewing of our minds (I have been routine compromised and displaced recently which shifted and disrupted this habit and I failed to realize it quickly enough….) and how that renewing prevents many attacks in the first place. It reminded me that becoming distracted from this usually results in fighting or even picking small/wrong battles with those we love around us (blame/accusation/etc.). It also used my first ever favorite scripture as a little girl (still a major favorite today) (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)! Cute God.      

 

For all of this and so very many reasons I am so sorry to God, so sorry to my family and friends, so sorry to myself. In a new way like never before I need forgiveness; I need undeserved grace; I need unconditional love; I need mercy; I need restoration; I need unmerited favor; I need redemption!!!; I need covering and the turning of my mess into good and God’s glory.

 

God was so faithful and merciful this morning before church to remind me that renewing my mind (DAILY meditation) to things I already knew, (with god all things are possible Matthew 19:26), (god hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind 2 Timothy 1:7), (I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me (not out of my own strength) Philippians 4:13), (those that hope in the lord with renew strength, not grow weary, and not faint Isaiah 40:31), (God will supply ALL my needs Philippians 4:19), (the Lord will fight for me; stand firm and do not be afraid Exodus 14:13-14) (This list is so vast and long it could go on forever) is what keeps me alert to the sneaky tricks and attacks meant to steal from me, kill me or the things I may hold dearest in my life, and destroy the blessings and goodness I have.

 

Then at church Proverbs 6:2 was shared pointing out I have been speaking powerful words of what I don’t want (I can’t, I am not strong enough, and lodging accusations and blame at others of what is wrong) while praying for what I do want. Thankfully this was immediately followed with prayer to cancel the power, authority and assignment within these words. I ask for redemption!  

Again, For all of this and so very many reasons I am so sorry to God, so sorry to my family and friends, so sorry to myself.

 

What God continued to reveal to me is that I have a tendency to verbally talk down or minimize what God can do as well as speak as an option what I don’t want. Why? God was faithful to get this answer to me as well….It provided a mechanism by which I gained a false sense of accomplishment in guarding my heart from extreme disappointment aka if I minimize my hope I would minimize the distance I had to fall if it didn’t turn out the way I was declaring and believing for. Oh, how did I become fearful of hope rather than joyful in it!!?? How wrong and how very opposite of God’s Word and what I know to be true. (Romans 5:5, Proverbs 23:18, Romans 15:13, Hebrews 10:23, Lamentations 3:25.)

 

This feels so ugly, disgusting, and shameful. I am ready to cut this off!

 

 

I am beyond incredibly grateful and thankful to be convicted of all of this but will not allow condemnation. Romans 8:1 (all of 8 I love Romans 8!), 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, Romans 3:23,  

I know that many of these healings have already been started and some things I even thought I had conquered, but I will rejoice in my deep abundant ;) hope that what he began; he will complete! Philippians 1:6 

I am looking forward to more love, more insight, more discernment (Philippians 1:9-11), more patience, more endurance, more character, more hope, more, just MORE.  

 

P.S. CLEARLY the warrior is awake! I am back! But better! And I am bringing an entire army with me! Reactivating them; refocusing!  

 

I am believing and trusting that God will make my mistakes his mission (Romans 8:28). Hopefully and specifically to bring blessing, abundance, growth, and restoration to the family and friends I hurt through these mistakes and even (though undeservedly) to me.   

 

For a reminder to me and as a confession to those of you who might be willing to walk alongside me and hold me accountable (through encouragement and edification) – the areas I want to improve and grow in:

1. Being flexible/being able to pivot faster in the tiny plans as well as the big ones; taking leaps; risking in trust

2. Asking for and accepting help more often, in bigger ways, and in all areas of my life

3. Being more consistently and quickly completely (not partially) obedient and responsive to God and the Holy Spirit

4. Being more bold in my hope to better reflect my faith and eliminating comments of what I don’t want out of false preservation/guarding of my heart and reduction of possible disappointment  

I am sure that there will be more things added to this above list as I seek God, his healing, and most of all his character to be even more developed within me. J

I pray this will have served to remind you of the importance in being diligent in renewing your mind, not taking for granite the truths he has already taught you and being faithful to meditate on them, and in being sensitive and obedient to God always! I pray it will prevent hurt, damage, and lose.