Toddler of the King

       More than a year ago God was very clear with me and spoke to me. He promised to give me back my childhood. I missed many “normals” growing up. I struggled the greatest, my core heart hurt, with provision and feeling like a burden. So I immediately took that promise to be defined in my mind as provision far surpassing my own abilities and an ease, a fit, resting in stability and trust.

Yep, I was wrong…well kinda.

      I know that my first impression is also correct, but God, as he always does, knows much better. He knows that I also missed many teachings and how tos and instruction and discipline. He is so gracious to not just hand his child a bunch of sweets without instructions to prevent tummy ache, tooth ache, etc.

He doesn’t want me to bite off more than I can chew or to regret in the very pit of me how I handled what he has for me.

      There are things I so very deeply desire and I want them now. And in honesty, as I promised, I will be bold and list them.

1.      1.  I want to find the husband God has for me so I can experience one more intimacy with God, know another part of him, practice another part of him. I want to help the husband he has for me see God in new ways and practice his characteristics in new ways. To be in a partnership and share.

2.       2. I want to be walking in my calling in a way that doesn’t have me in a job that doesn’t really cover the bills, robs me of sleep, energy, and health (and seemingly has no opportunity to really be on fire for God – and yes I know there is always in every second the ability to share Christ….I’m just in a government/political position that has its own issues as well as keeps me way too busy….and I do still actively find ways to infuse Christ into what/how I do.)

3.       3. I want to be out of debt. (mostly so I can be more free to operate in and enjoy the first two listed)

   

     All the doors I have been trying to walk through to obtain these things seem to be drastically sealed, nailed, cemented, completely shut. This is not my idea of a child who can enjoy the care and provision given by a parent to worry free freedom I was getting excited for…

It is, however, the very definition of the protection, nurturing, and instruction given to a child by the most equipping of Fathers. I forgot about this role, such a desperately needed role.

      See a child of the King has the kingdom at their fingertips, but has many many lessons to be learned before they are able to use all they have and certainly before what they use becomes skillfully aimed weapons, resources, relationships, and communications.

     So while I study tonight and reflect on these truths God has been so lavish to share with me, I will be honest and admit, I struggle with the feeling that I seem to not even be able to define my dream let alone obtain it.  

I listed that I want to be walking and operating in my calling he has for me, but I feel as though I can’t even define it, which is further from fulfillment than I was as I started this recent open journey, at least in my limited understanding.

I get frustrated with and question God on his approach and especially his timing.

Then my worship playlist plays:

Crucify Him

And I read:  

 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 1 Peter 5:6

Ok. I can take the hints (neon signs) and I will walk in remembrance of “Trust in the Lord with all your Heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3: 5

I will accept that he wants to restore and refine in me things like my definition of my worth, my knowledge and training in finances,  my endurance, my swift giving of mercy, my ability to be slow to speak and quick to listen, the depths of my trust, my confidence in him, and so much more.

“My son,  do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 3:11&12 

Broken: More Beautiful than Blemish Free

There have been many different things, comments, circumstances, etc in my life that have broken me.

Broken my heart - Broken my faith, created doubt - Broken my hope - Broken my pocket book - Broken my family - Broken my self-worth - Broken my friendships - Broken me

And I am THANKFUL!

I am thankful! God has so graciously and sweetly allowed me to experience his craftsmanship, his dedication, his refinement, his beauty.

See there is something to say about a beautiful vase hand sculpted by the potter and put through the fire then polished or glazed and painted into the potter’s masterpiece…and I often hear people make this comparison between us and God.

However I know a beauty even deeper, more lavish, more breathtaking than that.

I think there is much pride in things handmade, but there is something almost indescribable about something tediously, out of a labor of love, meticulously pieced back together.

When my heart was broken, God did not see a lump of clay he could scrap and place back on the potter’s wheel. No, he is much much much more deeply devoted to his creation, his pride and joy. Instead he took the time to seek out and collect every single tiny shattered piece. Then he started crafting stitches. Stitches with little love notes on them. He used those precious stitches to tediously and masterfully put my heart back together, but now with an incredible invincibility!  See, once you know the love of someone who is so deeply devoted to you that they are not willing to lose one tiny piece of you or change any part of you, but rather express through time, energy, devotion, and masterful craftsmanship the intense value you have always had, you can face all things knowing there is nothing about you that isn’t worth keeping. You also know there is nothing that he won’t spend the time to seek out and restore to his creation that can be taken from you. I am not replaceable. I am worth it.

You are not replaceable.

You are wanted.

You are priceless.

You are worth the time, energy, devotion, resources, attention!

Happy

So there has been this thing, this bubbling up thing, this growing rapidly thing, in my spirit for the last few weeks…and I thought I might need to meditate, study the word, and get tons of scriptures together to infuse into what I share (…I don’t know why…to give it more weight…who knows.) Tonight I got to share some of it with a couple friends and the itch to share here was incredible. I toiled with it for my entire drive home…study in the word, refine, meditate, and then share OR just let my excitement bubble out onto the page right now however it were to come out…..I think you know what won.  

So nice side note: I attempted to start studying for this and read 1 Corinthians 2 first thing…If you go read that you might figure out why letting this all bubble out onto the page won ;) …(and, hey!, look at that ,I did get a plug in for reading his word. hehehe)

            Part of the promises God has spoken into my life into the past months has been that he would restore my lost childhood – the care free feeling, the trust beyond logic, provision without earn or striving, etc. I believe him; however, because I missed out on this I can’t even begin to understand it.

            The last three or four weeks God has been doing some amazing stuff.

1.      He is bubbling an intense and immense amount of Joy into me (and hopefully soon, through me to others)

2.      He is giving my soul/spirit a knowledge and wisdom beyond what my mind can grasp

3.      He is giving me glimpses into the things he has been doing behind the scenes through my long wait and showing me progress I have made as well as progress he is nearing completion in me

Ok, elaboration:

Joy

            For the last few weeks as I enter into the presence of God in worship there has been a change. I have worshiped using my tears for a long time and have chuckled or given a little giggle here or there on a regular basis, but the last few weeks in corporate worship, I have caught a Joy and giggle so deep and bubbling over that it lasts an entire song or an entire worship set…and it is getting deeper and longer! Last Sunday I almost had to leave during the sermon to go outside and just laugh (instead I stayed to listen…glad I did…and let tears of Joy roll down my face.) Then tonight during my drive while listening and singing worship, I couldn’t control my laughter. I am so satisfied and content and happy and joyous! I have never wanted to share something of/from God with others so badly in my life!! I pray that this will spill out of me (while being filled back up) onto everyone who even looks at me/talks to me/touches me/etc. I want them to know this, to know him, to experience this goodness of his!!  This weekend I even had a chance to co-minster laughter and lightheartedness into another (best-time ever) which God had the ability to multiple plan/purpose the event to also serve as a confirmation into my experience of all this Joy…aka he takes our tears (and specifically the vast ocean of tears that has defined my life up until now) and turns them into a pool of laughter (and specifically a joy beyond my words and certainly my containment!) So much so he is doing this, that my worries are washed away. My worry or focus or fear of:

-Where will I move

-When does God want me to move

-Where and how will I serve him

-When and with whom will I have a family with

-How will my debts and needs be paid/met or when

Has turned into one:

*How do I handle joy so deep, sustaining, powerful, amazing and invigorating beyond my wildest imagination!?!  How do I give it to every single person I ever meet!?! My brain can’t comprehend the amount of blessings, joy, and satisfaction he is about to bring into my life!!! EEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!! :D

Secret Worker Bee

            God has been maturing me and everyone around me for all the amazing things he has set for my career, home, finances, family, mate, church, ministry, friends, community, etc. He has been revealing to me that he has taken me from a place of not giving myself or his plans enough value to wait for his timing and into a place of delighting in my assuredness in him. He is bringing me out of a time, where with the truest and best of intentions, I have tried to help his plans along and the results were delays, more waiting, and even devastation. So beautiful that he has taught me to get out of the way so he can make giant strides forward in ALL the things he has for me, but he is a relational God and he doesn’t leave me out…he is using me to speak into others and develop the me he has for all those that are planned to be a part of my life…AND developing them to be the people he trusts to gift me to. 

AND….Drop it Like itz Hot…Continued:

Maybe his perfect plan allowed me to faint so that I would pay closer attention to Isaiah 40:31 and take root in and rest in the truth that the Joy of The Lord in my strength and my strength will be renewed so that I may walk forward into the blessings and plans God has for me. Finally time to step into all he has! I mean come on, I do tend to ask for Neon Signs…what gets your attention faster or better than face planting into the ground in front of a hundred people. ;)

I am all aboard for the sling shot into the blessings he has been arranging for many years now!! EXCITED!

Drop it Like itz Hot

Today they first scripture I read was:

Isaiah 40:31 – But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I even took a little facebook quiz on “which bible verse describes you” and got this scripture.  

My reaction to this is not one I am proud of, but at the beginning of this journey I promised to be honest, so:

     My feelings right now are that this scripture is stupid, it is a lie, it makes me angry. I have been waiting on the Lord for a great many things which I so deeply desire and I have been trusting him, and learning to hope in him again, and this scripture is a lie! These are my feelings after literally fainting yesterday as the maid of honor at my sister’s wedding on stage in front of everyone. Why did I faint if God promises to be my strength in times of weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)? Why did I faint if his scripture says otherwise? Why did I faint at a wedding ceremony to honor and make official a union I am absolutely sure he designed himself and his hands were all over and not just the marriage but the putting together of the ceremony and provision of such as well.? I have been faithful to my Jesus and I have proclaimed I will follow him and hope in him, I have become closer to him, I have become bolder in my walk with him, and I am making the steps I know he has asked me to make and I have halted and stood fast when I have not received instruction.  So WHY!!???

I don’t know. I am still feeling angry and abandoned (I was praying like crazy as I didn't feel well in the moments before I fainted…but I still fainted) I feel let down and exhausted. I feel hurt and alone.

I almost did not post this because I don’t have the answer/outcome and I don’t have a happy learning story…or a he works all things to the good of those that love him comment…

But I said I would be honest.

Here is what I do know:

I will not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) or believe feelings as truth, but stand on the word of God. I do have a BIG GOD!

2 Corinthians 4:7-9 – We have this treasure in earthy vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.  I (we) are troubled but NOT distressed; we are perplexed, but NOT in despair; Persecuted, but NOT forsaken; cast down, but NOT destroyed!

Dear Worshiper, Read Me!

I am three chapters into a new book (Thank you Sandi!) and I am in love. I am in LOVE with Jesus. I am in LOVE with God and I am in LOVE with where and who God is calling me to be.

     As many know, I am a worshiper. The easiest, simplest, quickest, truest definition of me is: WORSHIPER. I sing every chance I get, cry in my worship fall to my knees, fall back and let God hold me, dance, and oh do I laugh and enjoy EVERY moment and chance of worship. I subconsciously sing praise all the time and occasionally it just bellows out of me. I start singing praise out loud before I even realize what I am doing. I dream about my praise and worship in heaven. I dream that I am a skilled, light, and graceful dancer like a ballerina (though I bring in my full of attitude hip hop too) and I wear a beautiful flowing gown that further enhances my dance for my king and my love.

     Sometimes (and I need to pay closer attention to this more often) my worship, the singing I do before I realize I am singing praise, is God’s communication back to me. I know this because I know him. He loves to love me like I love him, to be himself as he has created me in his image. He made me a passionate devoted communicator through worship with him, and he returns the same communication. So when I start to notice that I am singing the same praise and worship song/sentence over and over often in those moments where I don’t realize I’m even doing it…it dawns on me that God is speaking to me. Then I pay attention.

      Ok background: This week my doctor has told me to not work due to stress and migraines at work and my mom has asked me to allow her to move in with me. Now I love my mom, a lot, but we are very different people and we do not get along for extended periods of time together….we stress each other out. You might get what that weighing decision is doing to me at the moment…..      The enemy is also filling my mind with all the provisional needs and financial insecurities that face me as I make these giant leaps trusting God in the near future and how, in the natural, it all looks like certain suicide. :(

     But then, back to my worship sentences this week…..It has been several days of me doing this, but I just realized I have been walking around my house, and visiting at my grandparents singing from a song I have not heard in MONTHS:

“I’m alright

Trouble may find me

But it is not gonna hold me down

Cause, I’ll hold on tight

To the father who loves me

He likes having me around

Ya he loves me

And he cares for me

And so I’ll be…

Alright mmm mmmm

Yea, you know I’m gonna be alright”

Wow! If I would just listen to him when he tries to sing to me! ;)

If you are a worshiper and sing through your day, I encourage you to pay attention to the song you sing that seems to come to you out of “nowhere”…you know the one you wonder why you started singing because you haven’t heard it in ages….it might be God using the same communication style you use to tell you, your heart, and your spirit what it need to know.  ;)

Zephaniah 3:17

ENJOY!

YouTube link for "Alright" - FFH

If you wonder what God thinks about you:
Romans 8:38-39
1 John 2:12
2 Corinthians 5:12
John 3:16
Song 4:1
Romans 8:29
Hebrews 13:5
Those are just a few thoughts to start with.

Sundays and Struggles

As I continue on this journey I have faced many struggles of doubt.  My mind seems to constantly wonder to places like:

“This is not real”

“You heard wrong”

“Are you sure?!?”

“Be real here, you need to plan and you need to figure things out”

“You need to know where and what the next step is”

Just floods and floods of doubt over and over till I feel as though I am about to drown in it all!!

But n Sundays as I make the hour drive from Missouri to Illinois my mind might start in a sea of doubt, but my heart rejoices and it gets lighter ad lighter until I am in Jerseyville and I am just filled with uncontainable joy! This has been SEVERAL Sundays (and other days actually,) but I have hesitated sharing this due to MORE doubt that it was temporary…but my God is generous and never ending and his mercies and strength are new EVERY morning and so he has remained faithful!!! I am such a lucky girl!!

Sunday Side Note: Also a few Sundays ago one of our Code Blue teens bounced over to me immediately as I walked through the doors and she told me the following most amazing, humbling, placed the biggest smile on my face and heart story:

She said that she had a dream with me in it. She said she didn’t know what was really happening in the dream, but she knew it was bad. Very bad, but then I came to her in the dream and gave her some scriptures and made everything all better!!

WOW!!! I am humbled!!

See I told you…LUCKY GIRL :D

Our Sweet Savior Will Even Speak Through Candy Crush

So....I'm very new to Candy Crush. I heard all the warnings about how addicting it is and blah blah blah. I decided I was not going to even learn what it was. I would not accept an invitation to play, I wouldn't even google it to see what it was. I chose ignorance as bliss. THEN on a road trip I sat in the rear driver's side seat and the front passenger seat occupant was playing Candy Crush, so I saw it, so I wanted to play, so I did, so I'm hooked. :(

I have been stuck on a level for a couple days and I call it impossible. I think it is soooo hard because I have to clear the boxes, there is a box in the middle and locked boxes... Man talk about tough. Then at the end of my last life for the night.....I discovered that the locked boxes I was so worried about were not even part of clearing the level!!! I thought to myself MAN if I had only read the directions and then payed attention to just that I might be so much farther!

Then God immediately said in that moment:
I have given you instructions, if you would only read them (His Word - The Bible) and fix your focus upon me, stop worrying about things outside of what I have planned for you, then you will be much further along the path I have laid out for you!!!

I'm getting rid of the distractions
I will fix my eyes upon The Lord
I will use his word as a lamp onto my feet

Thus the daughter of the king declares in the mighty name of her defender Jesus Christ!

Neon Signs

WOW!! What a day!! I started the day feeling anxiety for having to return to work and I battled all the way trying to focus on praise and good thoughts. I got to work to learn that in what was already a very short staffed department, three more people were leaving at the end of the week and the boss I should have had starting yesterday...is not at work as of yet...?? can we say ATTACK!! Before lunch friends that just went with me to Seeds Conference, started a group chat just to talk about how on fire they still were and loving it. It was full of encouragement and laughter and blessing. At lunch I started reading Rick Renner's Dressed to Kill. I didn't get far at all, but I did get to read that Jesus went to Hell and defeated Satan as if he had stripped him naked and took all weapons he may have had and left him without a single tool, THEN publicly humiliated him! Tonight I watched Faith Church Online and the worship was songs the group chat had referenced, the message was about putting breath into dry bones! Speak into the situation which would appear dark the light it needs, just as God spoke light! Then just more moment after moment and God's Neon sign to remind me he has all of this under control. I was so blown away by his lavish lavish ways I came to tears. So:

I make a prophesy over my $250,000 student loan, car, home, credit card, legal fees, medical fees debt right now that the balance IS vaporized!

I have a feeling everything is going to be alright! Look what the Lord HAS done!! NOW! :)

WOW!!

Journey of a Sell Out

I have been in a place of my life where I knew one of the two major components of my life was temporary, perhaps even both. I have remained faithful to God as I waited for his wisdom to guide me in the direction he wants me. I have served him where I was/am, I have loved him, worshiped him, and honored him.

The days, weeks, months, and years leading to now have not been easy. They have been long, hard, unhealthy, tormenting, and worse struggles.

God has told me to become a SELL OUT.

I will be selling my possessions (or giving them away-whatever he leads me to do.) I will willingly leave the job/things I have allowed to be my security and I will make him my one and only comforter and watch as he comes through and he provides. I will devote my time, resources, education, and talent all for his work and glory. (I am already a million times more happy and peaceful just thinking about this!)

I will be using this page to post about how God works, what he teaches me along the way, and the history behind the struggles and choices. I will not sugar coat. I will remain honest. I hope you enjoy. I am excited to invite you along with me on this journey!