Toddler of the King

       More than a year ago God was very clear with me and spoke to me. He promised to give me back my childhood. I missed many “normals” growing up. I struggled the greatest, my core heart hurt, with provision and feeling like a burden. So I immediately took that promise to be defined in my mind as provision far surpassing my own abilities and an ease, a fit, resting in stability and trust.

Yep, I was wrong…well kinda.

      I know that my first impression is also correct, but God, as he always does, knows much better. He knows that I also missed many teachings and how tos and instruction and discipline. He is so gracious to not just hand his child a bunch of sweets without instructions to prevent tummy ache, tooth ache, etc.

He doesn’t want me to bite off more than I can chew or to regret in the very pit of me how I handled what he has for me.

      There are things I so very deeply desire and I want them now. And in honesty, as I promised, I will be bold and list them.

1.      1.  I want to find the husband God has for me so I can experience one more intimacy with God, know another part of him, practice another part of him. I want to help the husband he has for me see God in new ways and practice his characteristics in new ways. To be in a partnership and share.

2.       2. I want to be walking in my calling in a way that doesn’t have me in a job that doesn’t really cover the bills, robs me of sleep, energy, and health (and seemingly has no opportunity to really be on fire for God – and yes I know there is always in every second the ability to share Christ….I’m just in a government/political position that has its own issues as well as keeps me way too busy….and I do still actively find ways to infuse Christ into what/how I do.)

3.       3. I want to be out of debt. (mostly so I can be more free to operate in and enjoy the first two listed)

   

     All the doors I have been trying to walk through to obtain these things seem to be drastically sealed, nailed, cemented, completely shut. This is not my idea of a child who can enjoy the care and provision given by a parent to worry free freedom I was getting excited for…

It is, however, the very definition of the protection, nurturing, and instruction given to a child by the most equipping of Fathers. I forgot about this role, such a desperately needed role.

      See a child of the King has the kingdom at their fingertips, but has many many lessons to be learned before they are able to use all they have and certainly before what they use becomes skillfully aimed weapons, resources, relationships, and communications.

     So while I study tonight and reflect on these truths God has been so lavish to share with me, I will be honest and admit, I struggle with the feeling that I seem to not even be able to define my dream let alone obtain it.  

I listed that I want to be walking and operating in my calling he has for me, but I feel as though I can’t even define it, which is further from fulfillment than I was as I started this recent open journey, at least in my limited understanding.

I get frustrated with and question God on his approach and especially his timing.

Then my worship playlist plays:

Crucify Him

And I read:  

 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 1 Peter 5:6

Ok. I can take the hints (neon signs) and I will walk in remembrance of “Trust in the Lord with all your Heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3: 5

I will accept that he wants to restore and refine in me things like my definition of my worth, my knowledge and training in finances,  my endurance, my swift giving of mercy, my ability to be slow to speak and quick to listen, the depths of my trust, my confidence in him, and so much more.

“My son,  do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 3:11&12