I Repent - A Roadmap

Sunday morning as I took more time before church to sit at the feet of Jesus and reflect on all of the mistakes I have recently made and all of the areas he has for me to grow in (some I already knew I desired…but falling short or making little progress…and some he is revealing new for me), He showed me so much.

 

Reflection of my mistakes and hopefully something to warn and/or encourage you:

I have been telling others myself and even god (outlining and confirming a successful battle plan for the enemy) what I can’t do (out of fear, out of weakness, out of exhaustion, out of disorientation) and what I am not strong enough to accomplish. I have been doing this constantly lately even in response to those trying to encourage me in my faith and snap me out of the fear, weakness, exhaustion, and disorientation. The people I love were telling me to slow down, to resist the nagging, even giving me scripture like 2 Timothy 1:7.

 

I was so far under water; trapped and ensnared; drowning – so far under water that I could not hear the voices of help around me. I could not see the way to go (or way to get back to being myself or to my firm foundation of faith). I certainly couldn’t identify the life preservers being sent to me.

 

How did I get to this place?

Disobedience and Slothfulness. (If I don’t own it right now; I can’t overcome it).

MONTHS ago, God told me to study the armor of God and warfare. I started fine; I made a plan of study. I spent a few hours doing this and prepping for it. I gathered resources. I created a timeline goal. I even watched several teachings/sermons, read the first chapter or two of a few books by authors I trusted, told others about what I was doing and asked for accountability, and spent several hours in the word and in meditation over what I was studying…..but I didn’t consistently keep going or keep a hunger about it…I did even circle back to it a couple times and read a bit more and shared what I was learning a few times with others. I did not stay faithful and diligent to it. It was partially obedient (disobedient) and slothful. There was even one specific book God kept bringing up for me to read and I just “didn’t get around to it”….then when I read the first chapter a few days ago after repentance and a commitment to be obedient now….it literally outlined the importance of daily renewing of our minds (I have been routine compromised and displaced recently which shifted and disrupted this habit and I failed to realize it quickly enough….) and how that renewing prevents many attacks in the first place. It reminded me that becoming distracted from this usually results in fighting or even picking small/wrong battles with those we love around us (blame/accusation/etc.). It also used my first ever favorite scripture as a little girl (still a major favorite today) (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)! Cute God.      

 

For all of this and so very many reasons I am so sorry to God, so sorry to my family and friends, so sorry to myself. In a new way like never before I need forgiveness; I need undeserved grace; I need unconditional love; I need mercy; I need restoration; I need unmerited favor; I need redemption!!!; I need covering and the turning of my mess into good and God’s glory.

 

God was so faithful and merciful this morning before church to remind me that renewing my mind (DAILY meditation) to things I already knew, (with god all things are possible Matthew 19:26), (god hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind 2 Timothy 1:7), (I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me (not out of my own strength) Philippians 4:13), (those that hope in the lord with renew strength, not grow weary, and not faint Isaiah 40:31), (God will supply ALL my needs Philippians 4:19), (the Lord will fight for me; stand firm and do not be afraid Exodus 14:13-14) (This list is so vast and long it could go on forever) is what keeps me alert to the sneaky tricks and attacks meant to steal from me, kill me or the things I may hold dearest in my life, and destroy the blessings and goodness I have.

 

Then at church Proverbs 6:2 was shared pointing out I have been speaking powerful words of what I don’t want (I can’t, I am not strong enough, and lodging accusations and blame at others of what is wrong) while praying for what I do want. Thankfully this was immediately followed with prayer to cancel the power, authority and assignment within these words. I ask for redemption!  

Again, For all of this and so very many reasons I am so sorry to God, so sorry to my family and friends, so sorry to myself.

 

What God continued to reveal to me is that I have a tendency to verbally talk down or minimize what God can do as well as speak as an option what I don’t want. Why? God was faithful to get this answer to me as well….It provided a mechanism by which I gained a false sense of accomplishment in guarding my heart from extreme disappointment aka if I minimize my hope I would minimize the distance I had to fall if it didn’t turn out the way I was declaring and believing for. Oh, how did I become fearful of hope rather than joyful in it!!?? How wrong and how very opposite of God’s Word and what I know to be true. (Romans 5:5, Proverbs 23:18, Romans 15:13, Hebrews 10:23, Lamentations 3:25.)

 

This feels so ugly, disgusting, and shameful. I am ready to cut this off!

 

 

I am beyond incredibly grateful and thankful to be convicted of all of this but will not allow condemnation. Romans 8:1 (all of 8 I love Romans 8!), 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, Romans 3:23,  

I know that many of these healings have already been started and some things I even thought I had conquered, but I will rejoice in my deep abundant ;) hope that what he began; he will complete! Philippians 1:6 

I am looking forward to more love, more insight, more discernment (Philippians 1:9-11), more patience, more endurance, more character, more hope, more, just MORE.  

 

P.S. CLEARLY the warrior is awake! I am back! But better! And I am bringing an entire army with me! Reactivating them; refocusing!  

 

I am believing and trusting that God will make my mistakes his mission (Romans 8:28). Hopefully and specifically to bring blessing, abundance, growth, and restoration to the family and friends I hurt through these mistakes and even (though undeservedly) to me.   

 

For a reminder to me and as a confession to those of you who might be willing to walk alongside me and hold me accountable (through encouragement and edification) – the areas I want to improve and grow in:

1. Being flexible/being able to pivot faster in the tiny plans as well as the big ones; taking leaps; risking in trust

2. Asking for and accepting help more often, in bigger ways, and in all areas of my life

3. Being more consistently and quickly completely (not partially) obedient and responsive to God and the Holy Spirit

4. Being more bold in my hope to better reflect my faith and eliminating comments of what I don’t want out of false preservation/guarding of my heart and reduction of possible disappointment  

I am sure that there will be more things added to this above list as I seek God, his healing, and most of all his character to be even more developed within me. J

I pray this will have served to remind you of the importance in being diligent in renewing your mind, not taking for granite the truths he has already taught you and being faithful to meditate on them, and in being sensitive and obedient to God always! I pray it will prevent hurt, damage, and lose.

Rest and Dreams

 I just returned from the most amazing dream fulfilling vacation! I can’t even begin to put into words just how incredibly blessed and thankful I am to be able to say that. For this dream to now be reality.

 

My grandma has always wanted to go to Hawaii. For DECADES she has dreamt of this, but has always chosen to raise grandkids and help every single person, friend, family member, stranger, etc. that needed her time, her money, and attention. She chose service, love, compassion, and generosity over herself and her own desires countless times over countless times. So for my own over a decade of dreaming, I have wanted to take her to Hawaii. I have written this dream down, told many about it, and couldn’t begin to tell you how often I have prayed for and over it.

 

I really want to stop this story here and just tell you how good God is and let this be a praise shout out.

 

But God is even better!

 

See a few months ago I finally decided to pull the trigger on selling my house. I wanted to move out of the City and especially wanted to be geographically closer to my family and grandparents. THEN:

1.      1. Interest rates skyrocketed and I felt the impact of what that might mean for my purchasing power as now so much of my monthly budget for this move would now have to be interest instead of principal.

2.     2. The sewer lines under my house collapsed and seriously delayed the sale (and has eaten up most of the allotted time I have to move in with/stay with family while I look for a new house (which I can’t do until mine sells)). Not to mention the estimated $6k costs was NOT in the budget and I don’t know how to cover it.

3.     3. The estimate for the sewer lines were way off…like only half of what was needed to make the repair….so double the costs and time to fix the issue. Oh and did I mention that I recently used what emergency funds I had to replace the entire HVAC ($8k) system?? Less than 8 months prior??

4.     4. Then the thought was to potentially repair the roof while the sewer was being fixed…but insurance has some depreciation clause (that they forgot to mention even though I called them and specifically asked what is/or might be covered BEFORE I engaged a roofer) and are now only willing to cover less than 50% of their estimated costs ($6k)….

5.     5. Does anyone recall when I was unexpectedly without a job a little over a year ago and I spent a few weeks on unemployment until God brought me the incredible job I have now? Well the State contacted me and would like me to pay ALL of it back as they have now (over a year later) determined that I did not qualify. What is another almost $6k? I tried to appeal, it was denied and now I am working on an appeal of the appeal…..

ALL of this news hit in the very few weeks before I left for Hawaii. Oh and did I mention that I had already started moving out of my house so now I am physically living out of four separate locations. For several weeks now….

 

I so DEEPLY struggled with even going to Hawaii…..Everything was booked and paid for, so I was still going, but it just felt so impractical and highly irresponsible to take off and enjoy a break in the middle of such a giant mess. I felt like I had soooo much cleaning up to do and so much business to handle. Someone in this situation…so many situations…should NOT be jetting off on vacation and to HAWAII no less!

 

To summarize into one word the last four months: Disappointment!

I have felt disappointed and disappointing in EVERY SINGLE and I mean EVERY SINGLE area, place, space, situation, etc. of my life (mentioned above or not). To say I am constantly fighting a state of sad, is an understatement. I have overwhelmingly felt replaceable and resistible. Things that hurt me so deeply/so very sharply.  Even tonight as I drove home and knew I wanted to sit down and write this…even moments while I write this …. I cried over just how strongly I feel these things/this way…. even now.

And let me tell you this extremely heavy burden of deep belief that I have been utterly disappointing and this constant bombardment of disappointments have kept me in a place of extreme loneliness and feeling of isolation.

 

Regardless of my feelings I keep pressing into God, praying, and praising him. I keep thanking him for what he is doing and even asking him to help me with the doubt and bad feelings as they come. I keep my testimony of his goodness quick access and free flowing from my tongue.  

 

Now this isn’t going to be a story about how the 5 points above have been resolved. Nope they are all so very real and with no more of an answer than two weeks ago. …. (Though just scrolling back up to get the number of them and seeing that there are 5…is just confirmation that their answers are grace and favor! ;) Yes!)   

 

This is a story of my giving glory to God for how he never waivers from making our heart his top priority. He has so impressively come for mine. AGAIN!

Just before I left for Hawaii, I expressed to my boss how impractical and irresponsible this trip felt. She so incredibly encouraged me about how much I needed to take care of my mind just as much as the “things” in my life and that the timing was probably perfect and on purpose. Many others also encouraged me that this was a divine rest and interruption to the turmoil.

So, I made a commitment to do my best and embrace the rest. It was not easy and I was not even close to perfect at it, but I did my best.

I downloaded an audio book called “The Life You Long For” which is about living from a place of God’s rest. I started listening to it on the plane to Hawaii and WOW. BOOM. POW! I could not have needed something more! I am listening at a snail’s pace as every sentence is clearly God getting my attention and renewing his vows of love for me all over again! (I am probably going to have to repeat read this one at least three to five times…maybe more!)

What he is teaching and reminding me is that our hustle is what hinders us AND HIM with hurdles. Rest in God is what radiates us AND HIM forward and onto ALL that we need, desire, and are invited/called to.  

A child is someone who has little experience, ability, or resources to take care of their self and so MUST rely and trust on a parent to provide for, train and teach for, and many times completely take care of every single need and desire they have. Matthew 18:3 is Jesus’s answer that child like faith…a person with such…is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. Think about a child…they don’t hesitate or even think twice about playing with friends and laughing when dinner isn’t made or bills need to be paid. They are so dependant and their trust is so great that they move forward with full stamina into the joy set before them. In their play and rest everything they need and desired is handled and provided for them.

So fitting is my fascination with hurricanes, a reminder and example of the systems God creates. A hurricane has a completely calm/at rest center while relentless storm and chaos completely surround that place. Dreams can become reality and rest is proof of living out of God especially in the middle of chaos and in every circumstance.  

He is reminding and teaching me that my trip to Hawaii is only impractical in/to the world/world system…a place I wasn’t even designed for in the first place!!  Not fitting into such system might be my first clue that I am actually on the right path. ;)

I was even given a word (that I am trying desperately to cling to) that “I am blessed because I rise above” – to be even more transparent, I immediately reacted in my mind with …blessed how…with a bit of attitude…but quickly repented and returned to thanking God for the MANY ways I am already blessed and trying to reposition into a posture of expectancy for the continued blessings to come.

Then tonight at the I am Woman Woman’s Conference Pastor David referenced the story of the paralytic man who was “let down” through the roof to Jesus to receive healing (Luke 5:19). Maybe my feelings of being “let down”/disappointment are just the very process of getting closer to Jesus and everything I need!?!?  My faith is being noticed and I am about to get everything I am coming to him for and more!

Also P.S. if you read the story: Luke 5:17-26 you will see that Jesus attends to the heart of the matter before the natural/physical/practical of the matter. ;)

 

I believe there is so much he is just starting to unravel for me and some incredible romance he intends to unfold in my immediate future. I am excited (though completely aware of how much focus and attention it will require) to experience this in expectation of his goodness!