Giant Leap

It has been awhile since my last post (I apologize, because a lot of things have happened which God needs to be glorified in and my have and hopefully will be encouraging for you. Honest and point to how struggles and regular life is real.) Looking back it makes sense as the last post was just a couple months after I missed God's prompting and I went much deeper into oppression and a shell of myself. Keep reading that will become more clear:

Several months ago I walked away from a job I held for five years. It had consumed my life. I have grown up with a very embarrassing fear of financial poverty. I didn’t grow up with “excess.” I can remember threats of lights being turned off a car getting repossessed and more. Much more. Needless to say, I just didn’t develop a trust that provision could be counted on or that my needs would always be met. Even though I loved God and developed a heart for worship (really I am sure I was born this way) and could never ever picture a life without him, I would not trust him to provide. You can imagine probably that every human, experienced part of me would never in a million years be ok with leaving a job that pays enough to cover the bills without a plan and job already lined up for what is next.

Thank goodness that we serve and cherish a God that wants relationship and journey with us. He continues to call us to more, teach us more, show us more and helps us grow. To know him and ourselves deeper. To gain more joy. 

Towards the end of July I resigned my position giving a two week notice just barely into August. I had no other job lined up. I felt God call me to leap and I did. This time.

See, I felt and heard him call me to this probably six to seven months prior, but I doubted and I didn’t. Just a couple weeks after that moment the job that was already creating significant strains on my health and happiness, doubled in responsibility. Then a nightmare of a situation happened. God was faithful. The situation spun out of control. I was literally left in a position where there was NOTHING in my own power I could do to change or correct the issues. I prayed. Several people on my dance team from Faith Church prayed, the women I do life with from Charity prayed. Family prayed, and countless other. I stood still. I waited on God. Remarkably as  faced what felt like the fiery furnace or the lion’s den, I was calm and at peace.  I enjoyed and stood in amazement as I literally watched God fight the battle for me. He revealed and untangled all the lies against me and remedied the entire ordeal. He actually worked even my disobedience in not leaving the job sooner out to my good and developed my faith and trust in him even more fully.

The job did not change though, my life was not mine. It certainly wasn’t being given to God either. It got to the point where I would end almost every single with a headache and suffer migraines constantly. I spent almost two years working with my doctors to try different medicines to cure me. Some of them altered my feelings and one even gave me extensive nightmares. Work began to notice the sick days I was using and time off I was taking because I was so ill and demanded I file for Medical Leave and threatened that this would be reflected in my rating. I filed the paperwork, but even with that many of my requests were denied and I just worked through the pain and sickness. I was becoming a shell. For years I missed family functions as I served on call and took calls and responded to emails instead of noticing the people I love so dearly grow up and change. I even started to notice that I would go through a 10 hour work day and never stop. I didn’t eat, I didn’t even stop for a bathroom break some days. I was completely unhealthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I had stopped doing the things I love for God. I quit teaching youth, I didn’t lead any Women’s studies, I wasn’t involved. However, I kept praising God. I kept seeking him.

Then I finally leaped. As soon as I did, the headaches stopped. Somehow for the most radical moment of faith which went completely against every ounce of prior experience I had ever come to know before, I had peace. God spent weeks romancing my heart to confirm my Mary adventure and severing my Martha mentality was spot on.

Immediately my social media and emails had the following. Not by anyone who knew what decision I just made, but pastors or friends posted the following It was such a weird (and romantic gesture from my King – showing his excitement) flood of exactly what I needed.

“There is nothing wrong with parting ways from people in your life who hurt you. You can still Love from a distance.”

This spoke so profoundly to me literally showing up within 24 hours after I submitted my resignation. See I held on so much through all the pain and the stress because I loved the people I work with and for. I LOVE my staff. I love the community I served in that position and I spent much of my time trying to protect my staff from as much as I could (being their umbrella or trying to.) I prayed regularly for the citizens we serve wisdom and favor for our leaders and manager, and improvement for our citizens. I needed to know they would ALL be ok, but reminder I can Love from a distance. I can still pray and I do!

“Whatever the new beginning is for you right now, allow yourself to be swept away by the sweet freedom that comes with it. Growth is around the corner.”

What!?! No explanation needed, right!?!  

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”

In my mind I developed a photo in my mind similar to:

(Pulled from google images search/an Ontario New York website for demonstration)

God placed the image in my heart as a symbol of excitement to rule out the doubts and fears that would even dare to creep in. Except the image he gave me was a girl, probably around this age with dirty blonde hair, pig tails, and a yellow two piece bathing suit. ;)

Then church did the following song in praise and worship (I think possibly the first of the set.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jgADZwP4S8

which had the following lyrics:

I've lived my life to the limit
Well I'm at the end of myself
I see the end that I know below me
Your love is waiting to catch

I'm falling into you
Cause no one's gonna
Love me like you do (alright)
I've got nothing to lose
So I can't stop, won't stop
Falling into you (alright)

The rush I've felt in the free-fall
As I lost control of my life
Jesus, I've found that
You've always had me
Your love is never in doubt

I wanna love you like you love me
I wanna love you like you love me

I had never heard the song before, but I melted. Then we also add the following into praise:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTBjdhSMiy8

My grandfather gave me scripture he said he knew were for me in this moment:

    Psalm 37:4-7New International Version (NIV)

        ⁴ Take delight in the Lord,

      and he will give you the desires of your heart.

       ⁵ Commit your way to the Lord;

      trust in him and he will do this:

      ⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

     your vindication like the noonday sun.

     ⁷ Be still before the Lord

     and wait patiently for him;

   do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Then another friend sent me part of the same scripture she thought she was supposed to share for me as a prayer for another large desire in my heart she knows I have.

This just tickled my heart as I have had the following sign (in photo below) posted next to my front door for almost four years after I attended my first Joyce Meyers conference and God placed on my heart that I needed to remind myself to start and END every single day in that attitude.

Recently I attended Joyce Meyer again where a light was shown (even more brightly) on a dream I have had since I was a little girl (this comes up again a little later in the blog.) 

My job of five years asked before I left if I would come back part time. They text, e-mailed, and called after I left to check in to see if I would come back. I did eventually agree to assist for a few hours a week after a couple months of resting into God and letting him verify in my soul that would be ok. Within a couple weeks after my last full time position day at my job I went on an interview at a Law Firm (working full time in the law is a deep desire I have and I have gone back to school to prepare for this.) They offered me the job on the spot. I did not have peace about the position and it didn’t feel right, so I turned it down. Again something that was registering as crazy, insane, and radical in my logical/world standards thoughts. However, God sustained my peace and gave me the courage to continue to trust him.  

I kept applying for Paralegal positions.  A month or so later, an attorney e-mailed me about a position he had. I had never applied to his firm, but he stated he got my resume from a friend of a friend and wanted to set up an interview. I emailed back and didn’t hear anything. I waited a week and called, left a voice message. I never heard anything.

Then three weeks ago a different attorney called my cell. I had never applied to his firm. He said he needed a paralegal and an attorney forwarded my resume saying he did not know me, but received the resume from a friend of a friend. (Insert astonished face here!) He asked if I could come in for an interview. I went to the interview. Before I got there I googled his firm and noticed his web page said “Trusting God” first thing under the firm name. Almost immediately during the interview the attorney explained he was trying to get full swing back into the practice and case load after battling Cancer. He stated they stood on and trusted God and he had been cured. I smiled; he caught my smile, mentioned it, and asked if I also believed. To which I answered YES! (duh!) We got to talking about our faith and our churches. He stated that he wanted to get back to allowing his firm to serve as a mission opportunity as well as a law firm. He mentioned he would be thrilled if he found a paralegal who might be willing to pray with clients who would want/need it. I really couldn’t believe all I was hearing. I am not sure how big my smile was on the outside (I was trying to be profession/cool I guess,) but I was totally loosing it on the inside! He told me about how he has been practicing law for many years with ton of experience he would be more than happy to share and teach from. He listed several areas of the law I would be exposed to. Eventually his wife (who was also there for the interview) asked if I was interested in going to Law School. She mentioned that they would work with my schedule to accommodate that if I was and they would likely be happy to continue to work with my as a lawyer afterwards. She spoke to a dream of mine I hadn’t yet really allowed to take root yet (I was scared of it – mostly still am) but have been feeling rise up within me for a couple years now being rekindled from the dream I always had as a little girl. They promised that they would work with my schedule as I am in classes now. They stated the Paralegal they had at the moment was a substitute for another that was out on maternity leave, but the substitute could only work a couple more days and the one out on leave had just indicated that she would not be retuning and offered me the job on the spot. Of course I accepted! They immediately took me out and treated me to lunch!!!

We start each day with a devotional, we have already had one donut office break after the attorney brought them in an act of celebration and act of faith for positive blood test results he had not yet received. They have paid close attention to my morning drive (It is 40 miles from home) and at no real request, as I varied my times into the office, (as I felt out leavening at different times and how that affected my commute and traffic) they moved back my start time so I wouldn’t have twice as long – 2 hours - of a commute. They said there was no reason to add the extra stress of being in traffic (and stopped annoying traffic at that) twice as long for only an hour difference in start time at the office.   

To top it off, Pastor Crank renewed a fire that this is my Banner Year AND that it is being extended!!

Then a second friend sent me a simple question “are you ready?” My spirit literally leaped with a resounding YES! And that is how I replied (followed by some doubt.) She then confirmed it was what I was thinking (the other, mostly unrelated to the rest of this post, big dream.) There is MORE goodness COMING!! 

And now what was a 20 minute drive to work where I got a few prayers in for favor, blessing, safety, wisdom, rest, peace and the absence of fear for my administration, my staff, the inspections and work load I knew would be facing my staff for the day, all city leaders, all citizen, all law enforcement, and myself is now closer to an hour. I now have time to pray all the prayers I used to (loving from a distance,) just maybe not with specific information on the inspections or cases which would be approached, AND for my new employers. I pray for their health, financial blessing, wisdom, guidance, new clients, and clarity. I pray for my ability to quickly absorb. As I learn the clients and the situations, I pray for them. I have time to pray for friends I know are facing battles. I pray for family. I pray for big dreams I have. I pray for a closer relationship with God. I pray thanks. It is 60 minutes y’all. I pray A LOT!! I pray as I worship all the way!

Words cannot describe the goodness of my God, but I have to tell about it and give him all the credit, glory, and honor!