Today they first scripture I read was:
Isaiah 40:31 – But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew
their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and
not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
I even took a little facebook quiz on “which bible verse
describes you” and got this scripture.
My reaction to this is not one I am proud of, but at the beginning
of this journey I promised to be honest, so:
My feelings right
now are that this scripture is stupid, it is a lie, it makes me angry. I have
been waiting on the Lord for a great many things which I so deeply desire and I
have been trusting him, and learning to hope in him again, and this scripture
is a lie! These are my feelings after literally fainting yesterday as the maid
of honor at my sister’s wedding on stage in front of everyone. Why did I faint
if God promises to be my strength in times of weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)? Why
did I faint if his scripture says otherwise? Why did I faint at a wedding ceremony
to honor and make official a union I am absolutely sure he designed himself and
his hands were all over and not just the marriage but the putting together of
the ceremony and provision of such as well.? I have been faithful to my Jesus
and I have proclaimed I will follow him and hope in him, I have become closer
to him, I have become bolder in my walk with him, and I am making the steps I
know he has asked me to make and I have halted and stood fast when I have not received
instruction. So WHY!!???
I don’t know. I am still feeling angry and abandoned (I was
praying like crazy as I didn't feel well in the moments before I fainted…but I
still fainted) I feel let down and exhausted. I feel hurt and alone.
I almost did not post this because I don’t have the answer/outcome
and I don’t have a happy learning story…or a he works all things to the good of
those that love him comment…
But I said I would be honest.
Here is what I do know:
I will not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) or
believe feelings as truth, but stand on the word of God. I do have a BIG GOD!
2 Corinthians 4:7-9 – We have this treasure in earthy
vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. I (we) are troubled but NOT distressed; we are
perplexed, but NOT in despair; Persecuted, but NOT forsaken; cast down, but NOT
destroyed!